TITLE: Mommy (also Mom, Mama and “But, MO-OOM!”)
JOB DESCRIPTION: Team player needed for a challenging position in a chaotic working environment.
Duration of the position: forever. Successful candidate will maximize learning potential of all subordinates and supply general coziness to the workspace. Candidate will possess excellent communication skills and must be able to “count to 3.”
Must be willing to work ridiculous hours and be on call 24/7. Overnight travel is also required and will include trips to small guest rooms of varying relatives, gross port-a-potties and desolate muddy campsites.
The successful candidate will provide transportation and entertainment along with medical, technical and emotional support to all subordinates and is responsible for repeated follow-up.
There will be a strong focus on equipment and supplies needed to run a Food Service operation. This job requires management skills and a tremendous need for patience. Responsibilities also include laundry, maintenance and janitorial work (including disposal of poop and throw-up.)
Candidate must possess catlike reflexes in case someone falls off the bathroom counter. Candidate must also have the strength of a pack mule and be able to carry a baby, two bags of groceries, a purse and a diaper bag all in one hand.
TYPICAL DUTIES and RESPONSIBILITIES:
This description is not intended to be an exhaustive (and exhausting) list of all that may be required.
1. Outgoing calls to doctors, dentists, tutors, playmates, cousins and grandparents
2. Initiating, following up and/or attending (when required) appointments, recitals, birthday parties, “shows,” fishing trips, teacher conferences, family reunions, field trips, playdates, vacations, summer camps, sleepovers, swimming lessons, dance lessons, music lessons and Sunday School
3. Candidate must be willing to be hated occasionally
4. Efficient data entry including school and medical records, baby book and scrapbook entries, letters to pen-pals, Santa and the Tooth Fairy
5. Preparing estimates (for groceries, Christmas lists, orthodontist bills and birthday presents)
6. Internet research: educational toys, safety recalls, G-rated movies, craft ideas, free family events and the closest garage sales. Also needs ability to navigate PBSkids.org
OTHER DESIRED ASSETS:
7. Awareness of organic foods, phosphate-free dishwasher liquid, all-natural shampoos and Xylitol tooth gel
8. Familiarity with Fair Trade principles (e.g., “I will give my little sister a cracker if she’ll give me all of her Halloween candy” = NOT a Fair Trade)
9. The candidate must be willing to alternate between being loved desperately one minute and deemed an embarrassment the next
No previous experience is required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continual basis, whether the candidate wants it or not.
KNOWLEDGE and SKILLS REQUIRED:
1. Excellent interpersonal communication skills, especially at eye level and while in public at the grocery store or while singing lullabies
2. Strong problem solving skills and sound judgment (may be compromised because of job-related sleep-deprivation)
3. Strong attention to detail (e.g., “Does everyone have on underwear?”)
4. Excellent multi-tasking and organizational skills with the ability to set priorities and meet deadlines (e.g., feed the baby, make breakfast, make beds, wipe juice off the floor, get everyone dressed, put lunch in the crockpot, find 4 coats and 8 mittens, tie 6 shoes, let the dog out and change a load of laundry all before leaving for an 8am doctor appointment)
5. Ability to work with a team (e.g., handing out brooms and dust-rags before cranking up Annie’s “It’s the Hard-Knock Life”) for cleaning day
No salary. No insurance. No pension. No paid overtime. No paid holidays. No time off.
No opportunities for advancement. Candidate will be expected to fill the same position forever without resigning. Candidate assumes complete accountability for the quality of the end product and is responsible for maintaining a thorough file of “Mommy-guilt” throughout all eternity.
Unlimited smiles, hugs, snuggles and kisses for life. Successful candidate has immediate tenure and can never be replaced.